loss-remembering and learning and knowing and growing

I have thought alot about writing this post in the past week.  I don't know exactly what I want to write, but I know I need to write something. 

Two years ago in early October, I was blissfully pregnant.  Or so I thought.  Things were really stressful at work, and I started spotting one day.  I thought it was just stress or something, and when it kept up, I called the doctor.  The next day they had me go in for an ultrasound.  I should have known things were not good when the tech was very quiet.  She didn't really say anything and didn't point anything out to us on the screen.  What we saw was just a blob.  A blob that was smaller than it should have been.  A blob that should have had a heartbeat and should have been wiggling.  A blob that was supposed to be our baby.  The doctor called later that day and informed me of the sad news.  I was crushed.  I somehow made it home (because I was on my way into work at the time), and shortly after that, my husband got home.  I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.  He actually cried too.  That was the first time I had seen him cry.  He tried to play it off like it was my tears dripping onto his face.  I guess what happened is at 9 weeks and 6 days, something happened that caused our baby to stop living.  My body didn't start doing anything about it for another 3 weeks.

My husband was my rock through this experience.  I learned alot about myself in the months that followed.  I learned that I could be genuinely happy for a very good girlfriend when she told me she was expecting, yet incredibly sad for myself, and I could be a support to her when the worst happened with her pregnancy a few weeks later. I learned the strength of friendship can reach across the miles. I learned that I needed to become more tolerant of others and more patient.  There were alot of lessons I learned that were related to my work life-most of all I had to think of one person in particular as a child of some one, and learn to appreciate him as a person, not look at him as someone who had horrible behaviors because he wanted to make people's lives miserable.  I learned the highs and lows of my spirit. I found strength I never knew I had.  I felt pain like I never thought I could feel.   

I have also learned that things happen, and you have to buck up, and move on.  Yes, be sad, mourn, grieve, and do what you need to do, but don't let it consume you.  Find beauty and happiness in every day.  Because there IS beauty and happiness every day-some days it may just be harder to see than others.

I still think of the little angel we have in heaven.  I don't know if that baby was a boy or a girl, but I like to think of the baby as a girl.  I know she's in heaven looking down on us-maybe now she's even growing up with her grandpa by her side.  I know that if she had been born, my beautiful baby boy would not be here-and I wouldn't trade him for all the tea in China or all the stars in the sky. 

October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.  Please visit the site here. If you're so inclined, please light a candle in memory of all the angels who were taken from their mommy and daddies arms too soon.  I hope that no other woman I know ever has to go through the pain of pregnancy loss, but I know that's not realistic.  The statistics are 1 in 3 pregnancies.  Well, I must know alot of the 1's.  I also know that if something happens during a pregnancy of someone that I love, that I will be there for whatever they need.  Even if its just a smile or a hug. 

If Today Was Your Last Day

Okay, so I am going to indulge in some cheesiness right now. I have a confession-I like the band Nickelback. I really like their music. Last night on the way to Zumba, I drove Jack's truck (which is HOTTTT and makes me miss my little truck), and he had Nickelback's "Dark Horse" CD in. The song "If Today Was Your Last Day" came on, and I really listened to the lyrics and I wanted to share them, and my thoughts on them with you.

"My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride"

Yes, the first step is the hardest. You don't know what is going to come your way, especially when you take the path that is less traveled and start REALLY living your life. You never know when your maker is going to want to meet you, so don't live your life in fear of what could be.

"If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day"

Can you let the past go?

"Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life"

Life is not always easy, and sometimes you have to fight for what you need or want in life. You don't get to repeat a single moment, and you can apologize for actions and words, but you don't get a chance to relive those moments and take back hurtful things. You also don't get second chances to live, so soak in all the experiences you can.

"If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day"

Or would you sit on your butt on the computer, in front of the television? Sheltered in your own life, not making a difference in someone's life? How are you positively impacting your world?

"If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side"

Again, you can't go back, and time's fleeting, and it goes faster and faster as you get older. No matter what you have done with your life up till now, there's always time to make changes, and there's no better time than now.

"If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day"

Can you let things go, and really start living in the present? Or will you look back on your life and say "gee, I really wish I had done XYZ (called this friend, volunteered at a shelter, went on a cruise)" ?

You never know when your going to die. It could happen at any time for any of us. Life is unpredictable, and it is precious. My hopes are that when I am old (hopefully) I can look back on my life and hold my husband's hand and think about all the wonderful years we had together, and how we have made good use of our short time on this earth.