loss-remembering and learning and knowing and growing

I have thought alot about writing this post in the past week.  I don't know exactly what I want to write, but I know I need to write something. 

Two years ago in early October, I was blissfully pregnant.  Or so I thought.  Things were really stressful at work, and I started spotting one day.  I thought it was just stress or something, and when it kept up, I called the doctor.  The next day they had me go in for an ultrasound.  I should have known things were not good when the tech was very quiet.  She didn't really say anything and didn't point anything out to us on the screen.  What we saw was just a blob.  A blob that was smaller than it should have been.  A blob that should have had a heartbeat and should have been wiggling.  A blob that was supposed to be our baby.  The doctor called later that day and informed me of the sad news.  I was crushed.  I somehow made it home (because I was on my way into work at the time), and shortly after that, my husband got home.  I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.  He actually cried too.  That was the first time I had seen him cry.  He tried to play it off like it was my tears dripping onto his face.  I guess what happened is at 9 weeks and 6 days, something happened that caused our baby to stop living.  My body didn't start doing anything about it for another 3 weeks.

My husband was my rock through this experience.  I learned alot about myself in the months that followed.  I learned that I could be genuinely happy for a very good girlfriend when she told me she was expecting, yet incredibly sad for myself, and I could be a support to her when the worst happened with her pregnancy a few weeks later. I learned the strength of friendship can reach across the miles. I learned that I needed to become more tolerant of others and more patient.  There were alot of lessons I learned that were related to my work life-most of all I had to think of one person in particular as a child of some one, and learn to appreciate him as a person, not look at him as someone who had horrible behaviors because he wanted to make people's lives miserable.  I learned the highs and lows of my spirit. I found strength I never knew I had.  I felt pain like I never thought I could feel.   

I have also learned that things happen, and you have to buck up, and move on.  Yes, be sad, mourn, grieve, and do what you need to do, but don't let it consume you.  Find beauty and happiness in every day.  Because there IS beauty and happiness every day-some days it may just be harder to see than others.

I still think of the little angel we have in heaven.  I don't know if that baby was a boy or a girl, but I like to think of the baby as a girl.  I know she's in heaven looking down on us-maybe now she's even growing up with her grandpa by her side.  I know that if she had been born, my beautiful baby boy would not be here-and I wouldn't trade him for all the tea in China or all the stars in the sky. 

October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.  Please visit the site here. If you're so inclined, please light a candle in memory of all the angels who were taken from their mommy and daddies arms too soon.  I hope that no other woman I know ever has to go through the pain of pregnancy loss, but I know that's not realistic.  The statistics are 1 in 3 pregnancies.  Well, I must know alot of the 1's.  I also know that if something happens during a pregnancy of someone that I love, that I will be there for whatever they need.  Even if its just a smile or a hug.